Well, looks like my "Wild Child" phase lasted a total of three months before I came to my senses. It was a wild ride though.

After getting re-baptized week before last, I went back and read some of my old posts and noticeably shuddered. I hope I've done enough growing up during this first half of the year that I can say with some confidence that I'm no longer the angry, hurt, frustrated, and desperate teenaged girl I used to be. I had so much to be thankful for(and still do) and even though I new this, I let resentment cloud my vision.

My last post talked about how I was looking to become a more confident and strong person...but none of those things that I was doing really leads to that and, if I had stayed on that path, I'm sure I would have had more problems than resolutions. It wasn't confidence at all, it was a desperate and empty attempt to prove the voices in my head wrong. But if there is one thing God has shown me these last few months, it's that there is a difference between earthly and heavenly confidence.

I started hanging out with a guy who, while he had been a "friend" for the last two years, I knew all he was after was attachment free sex, no matter how much the people around me tried to convince me otherwise. When I let him know I couldn't give this to him and he started canceling all of our plans to hangout together because he was drunk/high/or just though I was doing it to "use him", I realized I deserved better--and so did he, but I couldn't make that decision for him. I wasn't angry at him, but it was kind of a wake up point for me.

I started looking at the people I was hanging out with closer and realized most of them thrived off of drama. And all of their partying, drinking, and gossiping absolutely got them no where and left them empty and miserable. I realized, with no condemimg or self-righteousness or judging, that I deserved better than this too. I had friends who WEREN'T like this who were more than willing to hang out and be there when I needed them and that's the direction God had been leading me in. I hadn't done a lot of partying, don't get me wrong, but I did see that the little I did do was starting to affect my day to day life.

The more I started to lean away from all of this, the more control I realized I had over my life. I don't regret any of it, though. I think I needed to learn from my mistakes first hand: Getting drunk....and then being sick to my stomach for 12 hours afterward(ensuring that it would be the only time EVER that I'll allow myself to get like that), Allowing myself to be controlled, not taking proper care of my finance and becoming overdrawn in the bank because of it. I learned my lessons and now I just have to make sure I never have to repeat them.

I still have a lot to learn, though, and I look forward to it. I'm still learning to forgive my Dad for how he treated me and controlled me, I'm still learning to forgive my Grandmother and my Stepmother for making me think I couldn't accomplish anything with the arts. Growing up with a dad who is bipolar isn't easy, but it was never my fault and I know now it was nothing that I did, so I find it harder to take it personally. I'm doing my best to let go of anger, but it's hard and I still pray for Gods help on a daily basis. For the most part, I'm over it. But I still find myself avoiding their calls, and I still find their voices in my head anytime I get close to success or love. Telling me I'm too fat to be loved or respected. Telling me that I'll never be able to make a living at Art. I know they no longer feel this way, but those thoughts still plague me. I love my family and I love my Dad and Grandmother, but getting past my comfort zone and allowing myself to vulnerable....it's scarey.

But I have learned that I no longer need their approval, and that's a huge step. That's the one thing I've always wanted from them since I was a kid. And, the more I lean on God and not my own abilities, the less I need it. When my Dad and Grandmother found out I had quit my job at Convergys and had started a Graphic Novel project with Harvard university, I finally heard those four words from my father that I always longed to hear: "I'm proud of you" and....it changed nothing. I don't need him to be proud of me anymore.

I just have to rely on God and that's something I learning more and more each and every single day. From helping me to get a job at the The Childrens Art Academy as an after-school art teacher so I could quit the horrible call-center job I was working, to helping me get a job on a project with Harvard soon afterward so I could continue to pay my bills and get my Bank account back in the positive, to helping me start a studio with my Sketch Club friends so I could actually focus on my work, and to helping me get out of my apartment when the deal with my roommate was way to stressful to deal with anymore--God has continually been there for me and provided for me when I wasn't sure I was gonna get myself out of the hole I had dug for myself. It's humbled me quite a bit and it's why I can talk about all of this so openly here. We're all flawed, we all need forgiveness, we all have the ditches that we don't know how we're going to climb out of.

I've realized that God is leading me back to my old friends at Sketch Club who are inspiring, encouraging, down to earth drama-free people and God is also leading me back to my family. These last six months have been life altering for me. My word of the year is STILL Confidence, but I think my view of Confidence has changed. It's not something that I have to go out and prove to the world or to myself. Confidence and Courage go deeper than that. Confidence is realizing, no matter what, God is there to hold my hand and help me through it all. I can take care of whatever comes my way and love whoever God sends to me on my path to become Christlike because he will be with me every step of the way.

So I'm writing all of this here as a sort of closure. I HIGHLY doubt anyone will actually read this( though if you do, feel free to comment. lol), so maybe that's also why I've been able to be so open. But I felt I needed to get it all out and let my thoughts be known(to myself as well as the interwebs). When I was baptized two weeks ago, I decided to leave behind all bitterness, anger, hurt, shame, self-inflicted emotional abuse, and resentment. I hope that as I start down this new path, that I come closer to discovering the person God meant for me to be. I rely on him now. I have had an amazing and beautiful life this far, don't let this journal entry foul you--my life has been an extremely blessed and full one and I pray to rediscover that each and every day. My arms are wide open to invite the joy and the love that God has meant for me to come into my life just as much as the hard and rough times that are meant to be.

From now on, I'm trusting God to show me how to become a better me. Because no one else is more qualified than him.